New Definitions

New Definitions

Featured in the August, 2011 Issue of the Ashburn Baptist News

Not bothering to check the Bible, some folk have come up with their own meanings for Christian words. Here are a few samples.

Doctrine: Teachings that concern older theologians, but now we go by our feelings.

Bible: A book to read for comfort in calamity, especially good at funerals.

Inspiration of Scripture: The Bible may have seemed accurate when written, but needs a lot of adjustments for modern times.

God: One who should not interfere as you live your own way, but is good to summon when you’ve messed up.

Creation: A good concept to plug the holes left by evolution.

Omnipresence: God is equally present in all “churches”.

Omnipotence: God can do anything I want Him to do.

Omniscience: God knows everything I tell Him.

Sin: What others do, especially if it bothers me.

Salvation: An excellent idea for derelicts, drunks and criminals.

Grace: This means God looks the other way while I do what I want.

Church: An organization maintained by people who have little to do so it’s there when I want it.

Lord’s Day: An old practice for old people who have no energy for “malling”.

Worship: A multimedia, megawatt experience that explains why our fathers did not sense God’s presence.

Pastor: A man paid for six days to work one day. Such a good deal some women want in.

Sermon: An entertaining twenty-minute talk that will pep me up for another week or until Easter.

Baptism: A nice ceremony that makes you feel you’ve done everything Jesus requires.

Prayer: A fax to God to get what you want right now. Some use beads, others paper slips in the wall, and others a chain, and I believe in it all.

Miracle: What you get when you have a positive mental attitude.

Tithing: Giving what you can when you are able. Vacation money comes first.

Spiritual Gifts: Holy toys for religious amusement.

Marriage: An exciting emotional relationship that lasts until you can find a Christian counselor who says your personalities don’t sync.

Healing: What I expect God to do to my back so I can enjoy a good game of golf again.

Sanctification: Not sure about these big words. Didn’t have Latin in high school.

Second Coming: Good for Sunday School discussion, but I’m more interested in my next promotion.

Judgment: God settling up with the fellow who side-swiped me and drove off.

Heaven: A great place for old people who can’t have any more fun here.

Hell: It must be an unpleasant place, but I did what the preacher said, “raised my hand, went forward and signed a card”, so I’m sure I’m O.K.

Missions: Exporting all of the above, preferably by communications satellite.